Kid Shit

Fact:  Kids accumulate shit.  LOTS AND LOTS of shit.  This shit, at one point or another, seeps out of the designated "kid shit" areas and receptacles and somehow completely and utterly takes over your entire house.  Those of you that have kids know all too well what I'm talking about.  For those that don't have kids or those that soon will, here is a little rhyme just for you!

Kid shit on the desk.

 Kid shit on the chair.

Kid shit on the sofa.

And kid shit on the stair!

 

Kid shit in the downstairs bath.

Kid shit in the hall.

 

  Kid shit in the master bath, the most sacred room of all.

Kid shit in MY CLOSET.

Kid shit on the lawn.

Kid shit in the dining room.

All day long!

There is no room for our stuff.
Ain't no way that it can fit.
I'll need a bigger house
To store all this freakin' shit!

-Little Mama

PSA: The Great Slime Fiasco of 2011

For those of you that don't know, my daughter is THAT kid.  

I decided after this particular incident that I should post about it, because after all, one of you might have one of these kids as well!

OK, first off, what do you get when you mix this...

with this?

ONE BIG FREAKIN' NIGHTMARE!

"Look Mommy!  I have a hat made of slime!"  Oh joy!  In case you're wondering what slime is, it is a mixture made of water, borax and GLUE.  And does it easily come out of soft, fine, little girl hair?  NO.  No it does not.  I have to say, I felt so sorry for her.  My first reaction was, of course, to be angry, then all of a sudden this rush of giggling came over me and I howled like a damn hyena with tears streaming down my face.

This was not helpful.

It was also not helpful that her big brother was laughing himself into tears as well.  So I had to chase the child around the house (with slime drooping from her head) to try and explain that it wasn't HER I was laughing at but the SITUATION.  Needless to say, she did NOT think this shit was funny in the least.

First instinct, call mother-in-law.  She used to be a hairdresser, she HAD to know how to remove slime.  She suggested putting on tons of thick conditioner to hopefully help the goop slide out.  Made perfect sense so we tried it.

I was able to start slowing scratching some of the top layer off, but the stuff underneath was so stuck in the hair it was unbelievable and the conditioner wasn't even touching that.  At this point I was almost certain that a shaver and a buzz cut were in the child's future.  I called Big Daddy to get him surfing the web to see if he could find a solution.  He is the King of Google.  Seriously, that man can find anything, anytime on Google!  I hopped back in the shower with the girl to try to work some more of this stuff out.  Shortly, the Monkey Man came upstairs with news.  So what did Big Daddy discover on the internet?

That's right, Baby!  MAYONNAISE!  Turns out vinegar can break up some the bonds of the glue, but I was too scared I'd get it in her eyes.  Mayo has vinegar and oil, double whammy!  And although it's gross, it's manageable.  So I slopped it on and started working it in.  I was able to start pulling big chunks out after a few minutes, then I started in with the fine tooth comb.  Slowly but surely, the slime started loosening up and I was able to comb the majority of it out.  Then I shampooed a couple of times and conditioned really well and this was the end result...

Slime FREE!!!!  I don't think I've ever loved a condiment so much in my entire life!  GO MAYO!  So remember, if you have one of THOSE kids and they get slime in their hair, it's all about the mayonnaise!

Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Chicken

I have crappy knees.  I'm not sure when this happened exactly or when I came to this revelation, but I'm not happy about it.  It's bad enough that I turned 40 (which reminds me, I should probably update my little "About Me" section), anyhoo... It's bad enough that I turned 40, but to have to admit that I have ARTHRITIS in my freakin' knees too?!  What a load!  I went to the Ortho doc who sent me to physical therapy and it helped a lot, but still the creaking and crunching and popping in my right knee were about to drive me nutso, so I sucked it up and went in today for an injection of SynVisc.  SynVisc is a fluid made from the combs of roosters (I'm crappin' you negative here) that supposedly will help supplement the synovial fluid in my knee joint, basically allowing my knee to move freely without rubbing and scraping against stuff.

The needle stick wasn't too bad, the gelatinous fluid going into my knee joint, yea, I could have lived without that.  It was a slow process to get almost 10cc of fluid in there.  And about half way through I heard AND felt this audible crunchy POP!  I almost fainted.  It didn't hurt, but the sensation was thoroughly foreign and henceforth a little overwhelming.  I managed not to pass out, but I was definitely a little ooky and nauseous for awhile.  I was able to leave on my own and drive home, but ICK.

Since I've been home, things have gotten a little strange.  I'm beginning to wonder if something went wrong.  I felt the need to pile things up on the couch and sit right in the middle and wait.

 And wait. 

And wait.

 Then I jumped up and ran outside and started to scratch madly at the ground.  And when I saw that beetle, I just couldn't help myself!  It was disgusting, really crunchy and bitter, but what could I do?  I seem to have perpetual "goose bumps" and my skin is feeling really scaly and dry!  And if that weren't bad enough, I have more than once felt a strong urge to peck my kids in the head.  HARD.  And let me just say, if you know what's good for you, you won't be eyeballin' me today!  But, you'll have to excuse me, I see a big fat caterpillar climbing up the window outside and that sucker is MINE!  Pa-CAAAAAWWWW!