I'm a mom. Actually, I'm a stay-at-home mom. And if you really want to get technical, I'm a homeschooling, stay-at-home mom, which means I truly am with my children almost 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I have had a few interactions over the years that made think I needed to clarify a few things about being a stay-at-home mom.
1. I am an educated woman.
When you chat with me at a party knowing that I'm a stay-at-home mom, then look genuinely shocked that I hold a degree and make little comments like, "Wow! You spent all that time and money to end up just being a MOM?" you are insulting me AND my family. Just because I chose to opt out of the 9 to 5 rat race doesn't make my intelligence level substandard. Besides, there are definitely times as a parent that you are REALLY glad you had some chemistry and biology under your belt! It's important to know that freezing a shirt with gum stuck to it will allow you to successfully remove said gum and save that favorite dinosaur shirt, not to mention knowing that Purell will take ink off of a microfiber couch, so ha-HA, wasted education my ass!
2. Motherhood IS my job.
When you are having a conversation with me and I make mention of my children, it is rude to sigh and roll your eyes. Why is it that I am supposed to sit there with baited breathe to hear about all of your endeavors in the world of business, marketing, computer programming, etc...? Since when is your job so much more exciting or important than mine? Do you really think, in most circumstances, that I give a hairy rat's ass about how you landed the Corwin account? Or what the asshole in human resources did to piss you off today? The answer is NO, but the difference between you and me, is I seem to understand that your job is important to YOU and because I consider you a friend, I am happy to hear about it. Well, being a mom is MY job, and my job is just as important to me as yours is to you, so have a little courtesy. It's called mutual respect, you should give it a try.
3. My life is not Bon-Bons and soap operas.
As a childless person you seem to think that just because I sleep until 7:30 or 8 am, have the opportunity to blog on occasion and am usually still in my pajamas at noon that I have it so easy. I DESERVE to sleep as late as my children let me because I was likely up until at least fucking midnight folding laundry, finishing dishes, reading books about teaching my child how to read or maybe, just maybe, having the luxury of taking a shower in peace! The reason I'm in my pajamas until noon is because I haven't had the time to go upstairs and change since the kids have been up! I have cooked their breakfast, done the dishes, watered and harvested the garden, fed the dog, broken up at least 3 fights, checked my to-do list AND the kids' assignment list, set everything out for them to get started with school, tried to pick up the downstairs bathroom, started a load of laundry, read stories to my little one, made a grocery list, found a lost huggy for a desperately distraught child, supervised tooth-brushing, gotten them dressed, started preparing lunch, made a loaf of bread, etc...! And I realize that you too do laundry and dishes and whatnot, but you don't have a whiny 4 y.o. attached to your hip or an 8 y.o. that needs your help with long division, or a butt to wipe or marker to clean off the couch and the wall or milk to soak up off the floor and clean out of the cracks of the table, or 40 pounds of gear, your purse, your keys, and two kids to load up EVERY time you have to go somewhere! And believe me, I have it easy compared to my friends that have 4 or 5 kids!
As a childless person, you have the ability after your 9-5 or whatever your hours are, to sit for a minute, regain your composure, maybe go workout, take a shower, relax on the couch and catch an episode of your favorite sit-com, have a leisurely dinner, maybe go have a drink with friends, and get to bed at a decent hour. I know you have commitments and you have stress, BUT, the bottom line is, you have time for yourself on occasion, you have peace and quiet, time to recharge yourself and hear yourself think. And generally, when you are off the clock, you are off the clock. I am on-the-job and on-call 24-7 for 22 years with no pay, no retirement benefits, no insurance benefits, and no paid time off or sick days. So please explain to me how my life is so cake compared to yours?
3. Feminism and motherhood are not mutually exclusive.
I personally find it liberating that I CAN make the choice to stay at home. I chose the traditional role. Did I do so because I was forced into it by our patriarchal society? Ummm, no. I chose it because I wanted to be the person to raise my kids AND because financially speaking, Big Daddy had a job with a higher salary and good benefits and his hours were not as erratic as mine and didn't include call time. And I know we could get into the argument that he makes more money because he's a man, and blah, blah, blah, but the fact is, he just chose a career in a higher paying field!
But here's what's weird... I am applauded by women in my grandmother's generation for my choice, but it seems to rub a lot of women in my mother's generation the wrong way. Like I have purposely thumbed my nose at all of the hard work they did and chosen to take a step backward in the evolution of women's rights. And honestly, I am taken aback by this! The idea that I have let down women all over the world by choosing to stay at home to raise my children makes my heart sad. In my bones I know that my greatest accomplishments are my children and because of this I want to dedicate my life to making them good, caring, open-minded, conscious individuals that will be responsible citizens of this planet. And if a large part of my identity revolves around this, so be it. I'm not ashamed, I make no apologies and if given the opportunity to do it again, I would in a heartbeat! So if feminism can't reconcile that, then feminism needs to evolve, not me.
4. Motherhood was my choice and I wouldn't get off this crazy ride for anything!
By becoming a parent, I have chosen this life. I have no desire to make excuses or whine (at least not a lot!) ;) Yes, I complain on occasion about working myself to sheer exhaustion (you try keeping up with a manic 4 y.o.!) And I admit that my life, at times, has a level of tedium that makes me want to just bang my head into the wall. And I do walk a fine line between sanity and complete mental and physical breakdown. That being said, there is nothing else in the world I would rather be doing! I may not get monetary compensation, but I get hugs, kisses, pictures of various blobs and lines that I decorate my fridge with, I get to see two children experience the world, I get to play on slides, swing on swings, catch butterflies, raise caterpillars, sew Halloween costumes that are the envy of the neighborhood, bake bread, take awesome pictures, garden, travel, make tortillas, snuggle with freshly bathed kids and read bedtime stories, meet other AMAZING stay-at-home mamas and for the first time in my life feel like a part of a community and truly know what it means to be happy and fulfilled! And just for the record, I'm not saying you have to be married and have kids to be fulfilled, that would be stupid. I'm just saying that it was good for ME. I am recently in contact with a lot of old high school friends that I haven't heard from in 20 years (thank you Facebook) and most of them are FLOORED, to say the least, that I have chosen this life. After all, I was voted most likely to be a rockstar, and you know what, I AM A ROCKSTAR! I am a rockstar of a mom!
Thanks for letting me set the record straight on some things! I hope the next time you have the opportunity to sit and talk with a mama that maybe you'll understand the person you're conversing with a little better. Just because we stay at home and raise our children doesn't mean we're stupid, it doesn't mean we're not interesting (in fact some of the most creative and brilliant women I know are stay-at-home mamas!), and it doesn't mean that we're incapable of having fun! I mean think about it, you've got to have a helluva sense of humor to do what we do day in and day out! So here's a shout out to all of you mamas, we totally ROCK and don't let anyone tell you any different!
P.S. I wanted to make sure that workin' mamas got a shout out for being the badass bitches that they are too! You gals definitely have my respect and admiration!
then I put them in a pot with some turkey bacon, garlic and a smidge of butter.
They were firm, yet tender and just bursting with flavor! Lucky for me, the vine is covered again and I'll be making another pot this weekend! Have I mentioned lately how much I love my garden?!?
