Kid Shit

Fact:  Kids accumulate shit.  LOTS AND LOTS of shit.  This shit, at one point or another, seeps out of the designated "kid shit" areas and receptacles and somehow completely and utterly takes over your entire house.  Those of you that have kids know all too well what I'm talking about.  For those that don't have kids or those that soon will, here is a little rhyme just for you!

Kid shit on the desk.

 Kid shit on the chair.

Kid shit on the sofa.

And kid shit on the stair!

 

Kid shit in the downstairs bath.

Kid shit in the hall.

 

  Kid shit in the master bath, the most sacred room of all.

Kid shit in MY CLOSET.

Kid shit on the lawn.

Kid shit in the dining room.

All day long!

There is no room for our stuff.
Ain't no way that it can fit.
I'll need a bigger house
To store all this freakin' shit!

-Little Mama

Plight of the Stay-at-Home Mom

I'm a mom. Actually, I'm a stay-at-home mom. And if you really want to get technical, I'm a homeschooling, stay-at-home mom, which means I truly am with my children almost 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I have had a few interactions over the years that made think I needed to clarify a few things about being a stay-at-home mom.

1. I am an educated woman.

When you chat with me at a party knowing that I'm a stay-at-home mom, then look genuinely shocked that I hold a degree and make little comments like, "Wow! You spent all that time and money to end up just being a MOM?" you are insulting me AND my family. Just because I chose to opt out of the 9 to 5 rat race doesn't make my intelligence level substandard. Besides, there are definitely times as a parent that you are REALLY glad you had some chemistry and biology under your belt! It's important to know that freezing a shirt with gum stuck to it will allow you to successfully remove said gum and save that favorite dinosaur shirt, not to mention knowing that Purell will take ink off of a microfiber couch, so ha-HA, wasted education my ass!

2. Motherhood IS my job.

When you are having a conversation with me and I make mention of my children, it is rude to sigh and roll your eyes. Why is it that I am supposed to sit there with baited breathe to hear about all of your endeavors in the world of business, marketing, computer programming, etc...? Since when is your job so much more exciting or important than mine? Do you really think, in most circumstances, that I give a hairy rat's ass about how you landed the Corwin account? Or what the asshole in human resources did to piss you off today? The answer is NO, but the difference between you and me, is I seem to understand that your job is important to YOU and because I consider you a friend, I am happy to hear about it. Well, being a mom is MY job, and my job is just as important to me as yours is to you, so have a little courtesy. It's called mutual respect, you should give it a try.

3. My life is not Bon-Bons and soap operas.

As a childless person you seem to think that just because I sleep until 7:30 or 8 am, have the opportunity to blog on occasion and am usually still in my pajamas at noon that I have it so easy. I DESERVE to sleep as late as my children let me because I was likely up until at least fucking midnight folding laundry, finishing dishes, reading books about teaching my child how to read or maybe, just maybe, having the luxury of taking a shower in peace! The reason I'm in my pajamas until noon is because I haven't had the time to go upstairs and change since the kids have been up! I have cooked their breakfast, done the dishes, watered and harvested the garden, fed the dog, broken up at least 3 fights, checked my to-do list AND the kids' assignment list, set everything out for them to get started with school, tried to pick up the downstairs bathroom, started a load of laundry, read stories to my little one, made a grocery list, found a lost huggy for a desperately distraught child, supervised tooth-brushing, gotten them dressed, started preparing lunch, made a loaf of bread, etc...! And I realize that you too do laundry and dishes and whatnot, but you don't have a whiny 4 y.o. attached to your hip or an 8 y.o. that needs your help with long division, or a butt to wipe or marker to clean off the couch and the wall or milk to soak up off the floor and clean out of the cracks of the table, or 40 pounds of gear, your purse, your keys, and two kids to load up EVERY time you have to go somewhere! And believe me, I have it easy compared to my friends that have 4 or 5 kids!

As a childless person, you have the ability after your 9-5 or whatever your hours are, to sit for a minute, regain your composure, maybe go workout, take a shower, relax on the couch and catch an episode of your favorite sit-com, have a leisurely dinner, maybe go have a drink with friends, and get to bed at a decent hour. I know you have commitments and you have stress, BUT, the bottom line is, you have time for yourself on occasion, you have peace and quiet, time to recharge yourself and hear yourself think. And generally, when you are off the clock, you are off the clock. I am on-the-job and on-call 24-7 for 22 years with no pay, no retirement benefits, no insurance benefits, and no paid time off or sick days. So please explain to me how my life is so cake compared to yours?

3. Feminism and motherhood are not mutually exclusive.

I personally find it liberating that I CAN make the choice to stay at home. I chose the traditional role. Did I do so because I was forced into it by our patriarchal society? Ummm, no. I chose it because I wanted to be the person to raise my kids AND because financially speaking, Big Daddy had a job with a higher salary and good benefits and his hours were not as erratic as mine and didn't include call time. And I know we could get into the argument that he makes more money because he's a man, and blah, blah, blah, but the fact is, he just chose a career in a higher paying field!

But here's what's weird... I am applauded by women in my grandmother's generation for my choice, but it seems to rub a lot of women in my mother's generation the wrong way. Like I have purposely thumbed my nose at all of the hard work they did and chosen to take a step backward in the evolution of women's rights. And honestly, I am taken aback by this! The idea that I have let down women all over the world by choosing to stay at home to raise my children makes my heart sad. In my bones I know that my greatest accomplishments are my children and because of this I want to dedicate my life to making them good, caring, open-minded, conscious individuals that will be responsible citizens of this planet. And if a large part of my identity revolves around this, so be it. I'm not ashamed, I make no apologies and if given the opportunity to do it again, I would in a heartbeat! So if feminism can't reconcile that, then feminism needs to evolve, not me.

4. Motherhood was my choice and I wouldn't get off this crazy ride for anything!

By becoming a parent, I have chosen this life. I have no desire to make excuses or whine (at least not a lot!) ;) Yes, I complain on occasion about working myself to sheer exhaustion (you try keeping up with a manic 4 y.o.!) And I admit that my life, at times, has a level of tedium that makes me want to just bang my head into the wall. And I do walk a fine line between sanity and complete mental and physical breakdown. That being said, there is nothing else in the world I would rather be doing! I may not get monetary compensation, but I get hugs, kisses, pictures of various blobs and lines that I decorate my fridge with, I get to see two children experience the world, I get to play on slides, swing on swings, catch butterflies, raise caterpillars, sew Halloween costumes that are the envy of the neighborhood, bake bread, take awesome pictures, garden, travel, make tortillas, snuggle with freshly bathed kids and read bedtime stories, meet other AMAZING stay-at-home mamas and for the first time in my life feel like a part of a community and truly know what it means to be happy and fulfilled! And just for the record, I'm not saying you have to be married and have kids to be fulfilled, that would be stupid. I'm just saying that it was good for ME. I am recently in contact with a lot of old high school friends that I haven't heard from in 20 years (thank you Facebook) and most of them are FLOORED, to say the least, that I have chosen this life. After all, I was voted most likely to be a rockstar, and you know what, I AM A ROCKSTAR! I am a rockstar of a mom!

Thanks for letting me set the record straight on some things! I hope the next time you have the opportunity to sit and talk with a mama that maybe you'll understand the person you're conversing with a little better. Just because we stay at home and raise our children doesn't mean we're stupid, it doesn't mean we're not interesting (in fact some of the most creative and brilliant women I know are stay-at-home mamas!), and it doesn't mean that we're incapable of having fun! I mean think about it, you've got to have a helluva sense of humor to do what we do day in and day out! So here's a shout out to all of you mamas, we totally ROCK and don't let anyone tell you any different!

P.S. I wanted to make sure that workin' mamas got a shout out for being the badass bitches that they are too! You gals definitely have my respect and admiration!

All I wanted was a fucking Snickers bar!

I had a busy day today. I took the Monkey Man to his first basketball game (and he did great), then I asked Big Daddy to drop me off at the offices so I could get them taken care of while he did some re-con work for one of his clients. We didn't eat much lunch because we were running SO late, so by the time I was done with the offices I was STARVING. No problem, we could just swing by Walgreens and I'd run in and grab a Snicker bar! And if you're wondering why Walgreens, it's because they have cheaper prices on candy than say a convenience store. Anyway, I run in and look and look and cannot find a Snickers. They have ALMOND Snickers and Snickers DARK and the mondo, could-feed-3-people sized Snickers bar, but not a regular sized, regular flavored bar. So I'm walking around looking confused when I find the entire stock of Snickers on an end cap ON SALE, HOORAY! So I grab it and head to the register. Of course as I walk up, the lady with a basketful of crap gets in front of me. Sigh. I always pick the wrong line or the wrong time, but the cashier rang her up fast and I had hope. But no... she was paying with food stamps and some sort of check and the register wasn't taking it and she was complaining and managers were getting called and the line was growing behind me and FINALLY the cashier says, "Folks, this may take awhile, you may want to go to the cosmetics counter for quicker service." So I leave the line and start heading to cosmetics, as I WAS the next person in line, and lo and behold this perky,little bitch with a Kate Gosselin reverse mullet and manicured nails cuts me off and steps up to the counter in front of me! The nerve! She dumps like 7 items on the counter while I'm standing there with my one fucking candy bar looking stunned. The cashier rings her items, gives the bitch, I mean, nice, young lady, her total. Miss Perky looks incredulous as she explains how that just couldn't be the price because "this was $2.50 and this was $3.29, and blah, blah, blah..." So of course the cashier has to leave and go find ALL OF THESE FUCKING ITEMS to do a price check! At that point I dropped the candy bar on the counter in front of Little Miss Manicured Mullet and said, "Nevermind, no candy bar is worth this shit." I had such a hard time walking out because all I wanted to do was slap that bitch so hard that her mullet would face the proper direction!

I get disheartened at the lack of common decency and manners in our society. We have become nothing but a bunch of self-serving assholes who don't give jack shit about anyone or anything. Entitlement is the name of the game and it's ghastly. Emily Post would be horrified! I try so hard everyday to teach my children to be polite and attentive but sometimes I wonder if they are going to spend their entire lives getting walked on by hoards of rude, entitled, little crap weasels whose parents had shit for manners too!

And truly... all I wanted was a fucking Snickers bar!

Ode to Adam Lambert

I would like to give a shout out to Adam Lambert in a special limerick I wrote just for him!

Adam Lambert, dressed in yella
Fondled dancers and kissed a fella
Parents got enraged at the AMA's
For showing little kiddies that it's hip to be GAY!

So what's up? It's OK for Britney and Madonna to snog on primetime but not poor Adam? Tsk, tsk, such a double standard in so many ways. I find it totally amusing that we don't want government intervening with anything unless it has to do with the moderation our naughty bits!

You have got to be freakin' kidding me!

OK, I wasn't even remotely planning to blog again until sometime over the weekend. And I was totally intending to blog about warm fuzzy things such gardening or homeschooling or post some bitchin' pictures, but then I read an article that ABSOLUTELY FLOORED ME, well several articles. Fair warning, rant with profanity to follow...

President Barack Obama will be addressing the nation's school children on Tuesday, Sept. 8th. OH THE HORROR! It seems there is a whole group of people wanting to boycott this speech and yank their kids out of school that day. God forbid you let your child view a speech by the ELECTED leader of our country! I'm sorry, but you have got to be fucking kidding me. Whether you like Barack Obama or not, he's the President. And you owe it to your children to be an adult here! Seriously. Just because you didn't vote for the man and just because you don't agree with his administration does not mean you get to go act like a spoiled 3 year-old who didn't get his way! What is this teaching your kid? I did not vote for George W. Bush. I did not agree with most of the things that went on during his presidency. I WOULD HAVE ALLOWED my kid to view a speech made to the American students had he ever presented one! No matter what President was making the speech, my kid would be viewing it. It is a part of our culture, a part of our government, a part of our history. Get a grip!

And what the hell are these people so afraid of? Ooooooh yeah, he's recruiting a civilian army and brainwashing the students (probably using subliminal messaging too) just what any good leader of a totalitarian regime would do! Are these people out of their goddamn minds? It's a speech. It will be discussing the importance of studying, of staying in school, of trying to be all that you can be, encouraging the youth of America to step it up! Holy shit, maybe they're right! WE MUST BOYCOTT! No way I want my kid encouraged to do well, that's un-American, I tell ya! If my kid wants to grow up to be a completely worthless ass-clown, then by God, he's an American and he's earned that right. ENTITLED to it even!!! Let some crazy ass Black man tell my kid to work hard and make something of himself... THE NERVE!

I always laugh because many people I've met who have questioned my homeschooling choices have accused me of trying to "shelter" my children from the "REAL WORLD". Well what the hell is up with yanking your kid out of school for a day so they DON'T get to watch the President's speech? I think it's a fair assumption here that these folks are "sheltering" their children from the "REAL WORLD". Who'd a thunk it? It is yet just another situation in which people are proving how divisive this country has become. People are so terrified that their children might hear a speech and form a conclusion of their own that might possibly contradict Mom and Dad's ideologies. It's fucking sad. I'm sure those of you that follow this blog are well aware that I would consider myself liberal. But just because I'm a liberal and a registered Democrat does not mean that the Monkey Man or the Piglet have to follow in my footsteps! There will be a time when they both have to make decisions for themselves as to what they believe and how they want to vote. I want to encourage them to learn about the democratic process and about how government works. I want more than anything for them to make INFORMED DECISIONS. That's all I ask. I did not have my children to make little "Mini-Me's" of myself or Big Daddy. I want them to grow into upstanding INDIVIDUALS (i.e. not little duplicates of myself) that have respect for their fellow citizens and who are active and productive members of society.

I can tell you, my kid will be in front of the TV watching the President's speech on Tuesday. I hope it will be something that the Monkey Man can relate to and feel uplifted. I feel pity for those who are not allowing their children to participate. I'm sure they'll get alot more out of "The Suite Life of Zach and Cody" that afternoon.

The Infernal Summer

It's funny. I've been reading all of my favorite blogs lately and all of the ones from Central Texas have a recurring theme... THE HEAT! And we're not talking typical summertime heat, we're talking fire and brimstone heat... smoldering, sweltering, mind-numbing heat... might as well be standing in the mouth of a goddamn volcano heat... feeling like Kate Capshaw being lowered into the fiery pit in the "Temple of Doom" kind of heat!

Seriously.

We're talking the kind of heat that has driven many of us into hibernation. I feel like an African Lungfish rolled up inside a tomb of mud wishing and waiting for a deep drenching rain to set me free from my prison!

Children have been banished to the indoors to keep them from melting or heat-stroking. The Monkey Man tried to scooter a couple times in the evening, but inevitably came in streaked with sweat, red-faced, grumpy and exhausted. Needless to say it has been the summer of reading and movies! Thank goodness for Ghostbusters, Star Wars, Harry Potter, Labyrinth and anything Disney-Pixar! I mean you know it's entirely too hot when you don't even want to brave the heat to go to the POOL! What's the point anyway? It's like a damn jacuzzi. I'd be better served going upstairs and filling up the garden tub with COLD water. But wait, it's been so hot that ALL water that exits a faucet is lukewarm. The only cold water here is what's in the fridge! And speaking of water, it's to the point that I don't dare leave the house, even to run a few errands without at least one full bottle of water. I don't want me or the kids dying while waiting on AAA if the damn car keels over!

The air conditioner for the house has broken twice this summer along with my car's AC! Almost every family I know has dealt with some form of AC malfunction in the last 3 months. The damn things just can't keep up, they're over-taxed running all the time!

The garden was a joke! What started out in March as a lush, green promise of the bounty to come, became wilted, yellowed and withered. Green beans shriveled, peppers grew, but never flowered, eggplants just never grew, and tomatoes were overcome with wilt in the 100 degree heat. I did learn that black-eyed peas, okra and basil are all hearty sons o' bitches! I have nothing else left, but okra and basil are running rampant! Good thing I like both or this garden would have been a total loss for this season! Even the sunflowers went belly-up! SUNFLOWERS!

Thankfully I was able to escape this hell-hole for a couple of weeks, retreating to the mild temperatures of the New Mexico mountains! In fact, if this is going to be the status quo for Texas summers, I'm going to up and MOVE to New Mexico every summer from here on out!

But alas, we finally got some rain last night! Yes, you read right, RAIN, R-A-I-N, RAIN. Liquid precipitation. Condensation of atmospheric water vapor. Life-giving droplets of joy! Of course it rained for a whopping 2-1/2 minutes at my house (nothing but a tease), but it WAS rain. It made the ground wet, it lowered the temps by 15 degrees if even for a few hours. So although it's supposed to be over 100 degrees yet again today, I have hope that El Nino is gonna kick in and bring us some relief! If not, I'm packing up my shit and moving to Ruidoso until January!

Of love and marriage...

I had the absolute joy of watching two of my dearest friends join in marriage this past weekend. It was a touching ceremony, full of love and tears and great emotion, joining two remarkable people and two wonderful families. You couldn't imagine two people more in love and it showed! I am honored that my little family was able to share in their special day! I smiled, thinking of their future and reflecting on my past.

Almost 15 years ago, I took vows very similar to those they took. I don't remember being quite as emotional, I think I was just too young to REALLY appreciate the significance of those vows and the promise I made to love this man forever. I loved him of course, but it was still that silly 23 year-old, infatuated love. Love that hated to be apart for a moment, love that had to know where he was always, love that longed for that glance from across the room, love that burned. And that is a wonderful kind of love, the way every true love should start, but then, if you're lucky, it grows into something so much more. A love of comfort, a love of friendship and respect, a love that aches in your heart when you see your husband comfort his crying son or scoop up his elated baby girl after a long day at work, a love that feels safe and secure, a love that is HOME. This is the kind of love I hope for my friends, for this is the love that lasts forever!

So, while I'm sitting here, reminiscing over my past and looking forward to a bright future for my friends, I get a news pop-up stating that the California Supreme Court has upheld the ban on same-sex marriage. Sadly, I'm not surprised, but I am disappointed. I am grateful that they saw fit to allow the 18,000 couples that lawfully married before the prop was passed to stay married, BUT... it is still a sad day for the state of California and for the many, many gays and lesbians and the people that love them across the country. Love cannot be mandated, you love who you love and so long as that love exists between two consenting adults, it should not matter whether they are straight, gay, transgendered or whatever! Why is it that I am allowed to marry the person I love, but my mother is not? Would the sanctity of MY marriage be compromised if she did marry her girlfriend? No, in fact, I think I would feel more secure in my marriage knowing that it was a right afforded to ALL Americans regardless of sexual orientation. I'm so tired of all this "holier than thou" shit I could die. This country saw fit to adopt a principle that separated church from state, so put your money where your mouth is. Same-sex marriage is questionable based on a religious ideology. Well if we've separated church from state, why are we even having this discussion?

I am trying to keep positive. I am hoping that in the near future our government will see that marriage is a contract between two adults, regardless of sex. I am hoping that soon my mother and many of my friends will be allowed the same rights that I enjoy sheerly because of my heterosexuality. I want my mother and my friends to feel the same joy and connection as I did 15 years ago and as my friends did 2 nights ago. I want this country to get its head out of its ass and realize that FAMILY has many faces, and HOME is different and special for everyone! Now is the time for equal marriage rights.

Today's ugly task

I have been dreading this day all weekend. I get to go fight with my dentist's office over billing. Seems as though they charged me, claiming that the insurance was not paying, then they filed again with the insurance and got paid. SO, now they have been paid twice. Of course, did they inform me of such a thing? No. But I guarantee, had I been delinquent or underpaid in any way, they would have had creditors at my door so fast it would make your head spin! I so very much dislike medical billing practices and insurance! I long for affordable medical care that one could reasonably pay for procedures out of pocket and not have to really on insurance! I long for billing practices that are ethical! The whole system has just become a huge crock of shit! You can never make sense of a bill, in fact, I laugh my ass off when I receive these "explanation of benefits" letters from my insurance company. They don't explain anything! They are utterly confusing! And it is a never-ending game of the doctors HAVING to overcharge in order to be even remotely compensated by the cheap ass insurance companies. They rely on the fact that many people DON'T comb over their bills and EOB's the way I do (what can I say, we're poor, every damn dime matters to me and I scrutinize the hell out of my doctor bills and EOB's). They are intentionally confusing to deter interference! The insurance companies are able to underpay and dump more of the monetary responsibility into the lap of the patient, while many of the doctors are getting paid from both sides and just keeping their traps shut! It really is a disgusting system and I absolutely cringe every time I need to go to the doctor or the dentist because I know in some way, shape or form I'm gonna get screwed!

Where's Doc Hollywood when I need him?